First, what does it mean to die, to commit suicide, to voluntarily give up ones own life?
I am an absurdist at heart.  Sometimes agnostic, sometimes hopeful, sometimes doubting.... we all have our faults and our falters, but through it all I can't get past my own sarcasm, egoism, and distaste for the optimistic.  I am an absurdist at heart.  A rule of absurdism, or at least Albert Camus' version of it, is that religion and physical suicide... are two truly horrible things to inflict your life with.  So, while I stand against my own suicide... as I said we all falter.

So without getting into the nitty gritty details, my life faultered on the last weekend of last Feburary.  It was a stressor upon stressor.  Work, school, friends, loves, my own weaknesses and egoisms. It came to a hilt. A final hull.

That Saturday, the 27th, was my birthday.  It was the day I decided.  That night I went to a concert to celebrate my birthday, drank a little, and had a pretty damn good time.  My best friend had came with me. And after the show we spent several hours just talking.  There I said my goodbye... he was the only one worth caring about at the time. The only one I cared to say goodbye too.   The next day, sunday I worked.... imagine this.

Imagine that last night at work.  Knowing there's no school come monday.  Knowing nothing you do or nothing anyone says is of consequence.  You don't care about the customer complaints, you don't care about your paycheck, you just don't care.  I stood outside that night after I had sent everyone home.  Just smoking a cig, and enjoying the cold cold winter air.   I can't explain the feeling of bliss that was present.  I just can't.  Crying in joy? I was close to it.

That night I stayed until probably 4am, just cleaning the store.  I had no projects to do, I wasn't even on the clock.  I just decided to make something perfect.

I got home finally.  I logged online, sent some meaningless email to a person I just refer to as the best person I'd never met. And checked my own email.  Read a letter from my best friend.  In it he wrote a poem along with a very long note to me about myself, hisself, and my life.  He ended it simply and rationally with "**** off, good luck with your decision.  I love you, good bye."

It wasn't his letter that stopped me.
It wasn't the fact that I woke up the next morning with cops in my room, and my parents on their way.... since my best friend had contacted them both that morning.

If someone decides to do something, they won't let anything stop them. 

What stopped me was the poem he wrote.  It wasn't that great, it had it's flaws.  Parts of it were actually insulting to me.  But it expressed what I believed in.  A reminder of the absurdity of life.  A reason to laugh at what I hate and what hurts me.  It made me laugh.

He saved my life because he made me laugh. 
Nothing has changed.
But it was a fun time.  And I guess it's cool to say to him that he forced me to stay here.


Anti-Hero by Jeremy L.

He was always the golden boy
A step ahead of the crowd
And stealing the thunder
Of those who rise from under

[chorus]
Rolling, rolling the clouds up
Rolling them back and storming below
Raining, raining and reigning
Idols of gold from above the skies
Here blows the man of the high hour
Whistling away to the funeral drums
He is the man with the golden gun
Dodging the bullets he shot at himself

He was always so close to us
But never understood from so far away
Flaunted his prowess and tended his ego
Bleeding on the floor from the day he was born

[chorus]

Now as legend fades to regret
I remember the look in his eyes
Never wanted anything more
Never got what he always had

He was always the golden boy
Rolling and stealing the thunder
Raining and pouring his soul

Purpose:

A unbeliever in extensive goals, but believer in intentions – I intend to teach, listen, and help. Regardless of major, or career; these will be present.

What do you love?

First and foremost I love learning. Learning is a cornerstone for which I can follow my intentions of helping, listening, and teaching those around me. These are the four things I love in life, and they are not goals or dreams. They are things that can exist in all I do, and will not be things that can radically be changed simply by the passing of time or the changing of interest. Psychology is my major, I believe in clinical psychology and I also believe that in the recent years it's been degraded. Philosophy is my second major. Through understanding the philosophical element behind clinical psychology I intend to try to renew the clinical psychoanalyist profession. My reasons behind this is because it requires me to learn, and to continuing learning, it's a job that helps others, teaches others, and focuses on learning about others via listening to them. That's my dream right now, but as I've said about dreams... that may change tomorrow. My desire in profession may change, what I want to major in may change, but what wont change is my reasons behind whatever it is I do end up doing. Those reasons given for my current dream of being a psychoanalyist will be the same reasons behind everything I do. I love these things, and they will always be a part of me. I attend Hamline University, while it is a very expensive college, it offers a very good education that is also very diverse, and, good for me, they focus on the same kinds of tenets that I believe it. The cost of this college was never something I let stand in my way, but as time goes on my money dwindles, and I fear that my love will be lost.

And your ideal Job?

I don't care what I do. I don't have lasting dreams or goals. I don't believe in them. Today I desire to be a psychoanalyist, tomorrow I may decide I dislike the whole field of psychology. What I do know is that what I want to do, what I want to be, it has to be social. It has to involve some personalized interaction with people. Be that anything from being a high school teacher to being a lab director for the creation of experimental medicines. I want whatever I do to involve never ending learning and the gathering of some kind of data. I want to use what I learn to teach and to help. Maybe I'll teach students about the fundamental theories behind organic chemistry, or maybe I'll teach patients how to better handle their stress and break through fits of nervousness and depression. Through learning and listening I'll always take in new ideas or new stories. Maybe I'll spend my days working as a volunteer for a Suicide Hotline or I'll be using the ideas of others to better create working atmospheres for various corporate companies as a human resources advisor. It doesn't matter the title to what I do, it matters how I do it. And, I know exactly how I am going to do it. This is who I am, this is just as much a job description as it is a description of myself; all this job description lacks is a title and a path, those will come with time in the framework I've created.